Thursday, November 13, 2008

Simpler times, Simpler tunes

I'm back... Feelin' hopeful, feelin' energized, feelin' compelled to drop my g's even though we elected the competent VP...

Still, things are looking ten shades of crappy out there. We're still at war, in multiple places, our economy is still spiralling down faster than Milli Vanilli's post Grammy-stripping 'career' and our current prospects look about as likely as Guns n' Roses putting out a quick followup to Chinese Democracy... I need me some help here folks... Help that doesn't come in the form of soaring rhetorical speeches, or promises of a brighter tomorrow... I need the kind of help that can only be found wedged in the cracks of our past.

So I've been digging, deep in my crack... I mean... past... to pull out just the kind of inspiration I need to not cash out what's left of my 401K for some self-hangin' rope and a community college course in noose tying...

May I present the self-titled album, Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club...

First off, to understand the joys of Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club you have to ignore your better instincts and succumb to two truisms.

1. If you compare Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club to the movie The Breakfast Club, you will be SORELY disappointed... Just like Imo's green avocado dip is not the same thing as guacamole, Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club is not the same thing as The Breakfast Club.



2. If you released an album in 1987 it totally WAS acceptable to only put 9 tracks on it, and have a total running time under 35 minutes... Keep in mind, large amounts of blow totally mess with your concentration levels. I highly doubt most of BC's core audience made it past track two before heading off to find new ways to layer themselves in more denim...




Now that we have accepted the reality of the product we are dealing with, we can distract ourselves with the mind numbing synth-pop that is Breakfast Club's only release, Breakfast Club.

Please to enjoy some facts about Breakfast Club, and their album, Breakfast Club...

- Breakfast Club's original drummer was a no-talent hack who went on to mire in obscurity, never reaching the level of fame her former band mates would achieve... While the newly formed Breakfast Club was releasing their grandly triumphant (and only) self-titled album, their former drummer was starring in a POS 80's flick called 'Who's That Girl' and had only released three solo albums including the prior year's True Blue... That's right, the first drummer of Breakfast Club was the totally forgotten and culturally irrelevant Madonna... She SO should have stuck with the band.

- Breakfast Club's one and only album, Breakfast Club featured just 9 songs, FIVE of which were released as singles... Obviously, when you release a pretty short, really crappy album, the best way to turn it successful is force as much crap as possible down the public's throat while smilingly convincing them said crap is actually delicious Imo avocado dip...

-Breakfast Club's one and only US hit from their FIVE releases off the album was 'Right on Track'. This is by FAR the best song on the album, leaving all the other cuts in the dust. Right on Track totally rules this record like a Mother Superior at a home for wayward girls... You know what I'm talking about... Get out of line 'Rico Mambo' and Right on Track is going to have to bust out the ruler and wrap your knuckles until you never even THINK about writing left handed again!!

- Right on Track is an awful, AWFUL song.


- American Idol judge Randy Jackson performed on Breakfast Club's only post-album release, a cover of The Beatles classic 'Drive My Car' found on the soundtrack to the Corey Haim/Corey Feldman/Heather Graham film classic 'License to Drive'. Randy Jackson is the kiss of death for 80's pop bands. I need no further proof than Breakfast Club. Oh, and Journey...


- Yes, that totally was Heather Graham playing the hot chick in License to Drive. It was also totally 'Law & Order' player Richard Masur playing Corey Haim's father. Richard Masur was also in Fire Down Below and subsequently, should be ashamed.



- My copy of Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club is vinyl, and was purchased used online. The prior owner apparently felt that their cover of 'Expressway to Your Heart' was the best song on the album, because it pops and skips like a sonofabitch...

- On Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club track #7, Specialty, Breakfast Club explains that 'love' is their specialty... Breakfast Club is mistaken. Crappy music is most definitely their true specialty...

- A reviewer on Amazon Prime so totally loves Breakfast Club. I shall not post their name, because I am not here to humiliate... well, except the 'artists' themselves. Suffice it to say you know who you are, and if you come across this, I apologize profusely for insulting your favorite band...

- OK, I'm a jerk. I so totally had to link this.

- Contrary to popular belief, good things did happen in 1987. For example(s): (Thanks be to Wikipedia...)

January 1 - Frobisher Bay, Northwest Territories, changes its name to Iqaluit. In 1999, it became the capital of Nunavut.

February 11 - The new Constitution of the Philippines goes into effect.

March 9 - Irish rock band U2 release studio album The Joshua Tree.

April 19 - The first appearance of The Simpsons on The Tracy Ullman Show.

May 11 - The first heart-lung transplant takes place in Baltimore, Maryland.

June 19 - In the case of Edwards v. Aguillard, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that a Louisiana law requiring that creation science be taught in public schools whenever evolution was taught was unconstitutional.

July 21 - Guns N' Roses release their debut album, Appetite For Destruction, which would go on to sell over 28 million copies as of 2008.

August 2 - Viswanathan Anand becomes the first Asian to win The World Junior Chess Championship.

October 25 - The Minnesota Twins win the 1987 World Series, despite having the worst regular season win-loss ratio for a winner, a record they held until 2006.

December 1 - Construction of the Channel Tunnel is initiated.

-The Release of Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club happened in 1987. This was not a good thing.


In spite of all these impressive facts and figures, it may surprise you to learn I'm not a very big fan of this band, or album. It just shows to go ya, sometimes you're better keeping that $2 in your pocket, rather than blowing it on 80's records via eBay...


Wow... I feel somehow better. I guess one could say that Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club managed to make me get up and back, right on track...


3 comments:

Julie the Cruise Ship Director said...

Wow, that's pretty awful. Maybe worse than some of the album tracks off that Kim Karnes record we got.

OCKerouac said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
OCKerouac said...

I don't know if it gets worse than Kim's Barking at Airplanes... That was just painful...

My favorite is when she has the argument with herself about answering the phone or not on 'Dont Pick Up The Phone (Pick Up The Phone)'

Please to enjoy, 'Crazy In The Night (Barking at Airplanes)'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9OSuy4e4HU

PS: I typo'd on the last comment, I'm not censoring myself...