Hawai'i

Hawai'i

Our most apostrophe-heavy state, and likely the last...

Seriously Puerto Rico, it's probably not going to happen... You know when the dude says he's going to leave his wife for you and buy you a big house with a white picket fence and run off into the sunset to build a life together that you're just fooling yourself... Same deal here... Fifty ONE states? Yeah, you hold your breath... The only way it's going to happen is if the North and South can get their shit together and form Dakota already... I mean, they've got fourteen residents between them, do they really need TWO states?

At least the Virginias and the Carolinas have some people living in them, but if California has to live as one, those guys should figure it out too. That would give us the chance to swallow up a few more lands for ourselves, but not until I finish this list... I don't want to have to make a case of American Samoa...

So anyhoo... Hawai'i... It's a bunch of islands, and it's warm, and it rains lots, and if you take their Tiki God as a souvenir you'll totally wipe out when you go surfing, and your hair will never go straight again... Oh, and if you film an on-location episode of your sitcom there, it will have to be shown twice as often as any other episode in syndication so they can justify the expense of sending you to Hawai'i to make a TV show...

And Dan-o will book you...

I've also heard that Hawai'i actually exists in real life too, not just on television... At least, that's the story Wikipedia is selling:



- The state of Hawai'i encompasses almost the entire volcanic Hawai'ian Island chain, made up of hundreds of Islands, although we typically only consider the eight main islands, Niʻihau, Kauaʻi, Oʻahu, Molokaʻi, Lānaʻi, Kahoʻolawe, Maui, and Hawaiʻi.

- Eight islands, seven apostrophes. I don't know what the deal is with Maui.

- Elsewhere in Polynesia, Hawaiʻi or a cognate is the name of the underworld or of the ancestral home, but in Hawaiʻi the name has no meaning.

- I condone states who's names have no real meaning, and henceforth would like to start a petition to change the name of California to Whooslefoos

- Ohh... Make that Whoosl'efoos

- The Hawai'ian islands are an archipelago, also known as volcano drool.

- Hawai'i is the only state in the US that: Is not geographically located in North America, grows coffee, is completely surrounded by water, has a royal palace, and has no straight line in it's state boundary.

- This one time, it actually dipped below 70 degrees in Hawai'i. The natives all flooded the local Target to buy long pants.

- Tourists on the whole were upset they hadn't brought sweaters.

- The Hawai'ian Islands were first joined together as the Kingdom of Hawai'i by Kamehameha The Great, who's full Hawai'ian name is Kalani Paiʻea Wohi o Kaleikini Kealiʻikui Kamehameha o ʻIolani i Kaiwikapu kaui Ka Liholiho Kūnuiākea.

- Kamehameha kept the Hawai'i islands together by selling vowels to visiting Europeans, but refused to part with his precious apostrophes.

- There is still some question as to the legitimacy of the United States' annexation of Hawai'i as it did not occur via treaty, secession, or conquest, and was instead voted into law by the US Congress.

- This will likely be true of our trade for Iceland as well. If that's the case we will be happy to give it back if all the needed musicians pledge allegiance to Alaska.

OK, on to the music:

Solo Artist: Don Ho

All of us know two inexorable things about Hawai'i.

1. They love their Spam

2. They gave us Don Ho

The man likes his bubbles tiny, and his ukulele's tinier. He was married to his first wife for fouty eight years, despite having children with multiple women, all of whom lived with him at his home in Diamond Head. Don was The Mack.

He left us in 2007, succumbing to a heart condition he had been battling for many years, but he left us a legacy of Las Vegas style showmanship coupled with Hawai'i's diverse cultural heritage that will never be duplicated, no matter how many people try and make a living playing the smallest instruments they can find.

Here's Don in a stellar promo video.

Group: The Hell Caminos

I've totally got nothing. I could try and swing The Ventures, but penning and playing the Hawaii Five-O theme song does not make you a Hawai'ian. That leaves me with a bunch of indie garage bands from past and present. Of these, I decided The Hell Caminos have the coolest name, hence they are officially the best band from Hawaii... If only there would have been four or five Don Ho's, all singing and playing Ukulele at the same time...

I likely also chose them because I'm working my way through the New Wave/Disco of A Certain Ratio's I'd Like to See You Again, and I needed something kind of in the eighties-inspired-punk-a-billy-rock vein to keep myself from rebelling against all things 80's. Seriously... This stuff is difficult to listen to, but I downloaded it so I feel a responsibility to listen to synthesizers fight funk bass riffs in a battle to see who's less relevant after twenty six years of advancement in dance music...

I know, I really should be writing more about The Hell Caminos, but I've given you all I know. They're loud, they're Hawai'ian, and they've got a cool name. Enjoy if you dare... With Zombies!

Honorable Mention: Queen Lili'uokalani

The one and only member of a royal family to make a best-of-the-states list, Queen Lili'uokalani is by no means a cop-out pick. Not only was she Hawai'i's last queen before being annexed by the US, but she wrote one of Hawai'i's most popular songs, Aloha 'oe.

Here's a full on Hawai'i'd out slack guitar version. Just makes you want to drink something out of a coconut...

Still not buying it? Well, she had an operetta written about her as well...

So that's just about all there is to say about Hawai'i... Join us next time as we tackle the always scintillating Idaho! Gehh...