Kentucky: Step in to the wayback machine

Kentucky,

It's 2008. Don't you think it's about time you figured out what most of the rest of the country managed to realize in the late 1980's? Man does not live on country music alone. I see you're trying to push into the future by giving us My Morning Jacket, who could very possibly make this list if they keep on keeping on, but one newly minted indie act does not a well rounded musical community make.

I do applaud the depth and breadth of your country cred, but it's time to step back and accept the fact that country music just isn't for everyone. In fact, it's hardly for ANYONE, and certainly not me.

Fear not, brave readers, I did manage to find some winners in this down-home hootenanny, but still I was hoping for so much more.

Before I move on to state facts, let me give you a taste of some of the bands and artists that are from the state, but are not by any stretch of the imagination going to earn a spot on my list. If these were the ONLY options, then Kentucky would be given to Tennessee.

Billy Ray Cyrus

Exile

The Kentucky Headhunters

Now there is certainly potential in these here bluegrass hills of Appalachia, venerable punk icon Richard Hell (of Delaware's Television) was born in Kentucky as were the acts I ultimately selected to the list. But more on them later...

For now, it's Kentucky Fried Wiki time...

- Kentucky in known as The Bluegrass State to confuse West Virginia. There is no bluegrass in the state of Kentucky, it's all a mirage. Trust me on this.

- Kentucky has the highest per capita number of deer and turkey in the US. However, due to heavy pollution levels from Kentucky's vast coal mines, a recently discovered Deer/Turkey hybrid, the Deerkey is rumoured to be slowly eradicating the standard deer and turkey populations as they train for war with the humans who are ultimately responsible for their very existence.

- Here's your next Sci-Fi original, once you've finished working on Radonsquito. All you're missing is a tagline.

- I suggest: Deerkey- What's for dinner? YOU.

- As suggested by Indiana, Kentucky is the best state in which to get lucky.

- One of Kentucky's US Senators is former major league pitcher Jim Bunning.

- There is no truth to the rumor that Bunning's former battery mate Frank House acts as one of Bunning's congressional aides. This rumor was put to rest when it was revealed in 2005 that Frank House was no longer living.

- Kentucky law prohibits the no longer living to hold public office, even if appointed by a sitting US Senator.

- The still living Gus Triandos was approached to fill a staff position, but is keeping his schedule open to attend the much anticipated reunion of the 1965 Houston Astros. He can't wait to have a chance to punch Joe Morgan in the mouth.

- Gonzo journalist and all around raconteur of wackiness Hunter S. Thompson was born in Kentucky. Everyone has an opinion of Hunter Thompson, I leave you to your own without feeling a need to interject mine. Suffice it to say he made life more interesting one way or another.

- Pioneering film makers Tod Browning and DW Griffith were both from Kentucky.

- It's a shame they never worked together to make The Birth of a Freaks Nation... Although Griffith's The Birth of a Nation is pretty much already about the freakish backwardness of turn of the century southern culture... Still, bigoted revisionist history would be easier to swallow if it featured a bearded lady or Cleopatra the Human Chicken...

- Actor George Clooney was born in Lexington, Kentucky. He was on The Facts of Life. He also has a famous aunt. Not sure who that is? Keep reading...

- Game show host Chuck Woolery was also born in Kentucky, and is secretly a Deerkey.

- He'll be back in two and two alright, to peck out your eyes with his turkey beak and stomp you with his massive deer hooves. Don't let him fool you, Chuck Woolery has an agenda, and item #1 on it is wipe out the human race...

As Mr. T would say, enough jibber jabber, we've got musicians to immortalize...

No, Mr. T is not from Kentucky, he was born in Chicago and now splits his time between a home in Sherman Oaks, CA. and a ranch in New Mexico. I would assume he pities fools who don't have ranches in New Mexico.

He also pities fools who have not seen DC Cab. Don't make Mr T pity YOU...

Seriously, it's time for some music...

The Selections:

Solo Artist: Rosemary Clooney

She's from Kentucky, she's not a country singer, and she's responsible for Mambo Italiano. That's good enough for me. She also has a famous nephew, not sure who that is? Read above.

Rosemary also featured a talented womb, bringing into the world the voice of Aquaman on the late 90's Superman: The Animated Series, Mr. Miguel Ferrer. He was also on Crossing Jordan, in the 2004 remake of The Manchurian Candidate, and the 1994 TV movie A Promise Kept: The Oksana Baiul Story.

Anyhoo, marrying Ferrer and bequeathing heirs was far from Rosemary's only contribution to popular culture. She sang, she acted, and you're not likely to make it through a Christmas season without hearing her in some random retail establishment belting out White Christmas.

Rosemary left us in 2002, but here she is singing Mambo Italiano in her younger days...

Band: The Everly Brothers

The elder brother Everly, Don, was born in Kentucky while younger sibling Phil sprang forth in Illinois. Kentucky's northwestern neighbor had plenty of talent, so the Bluegrass State is taking both Everlys as their own. I'm OK with this, so if you're not, I suggest you get over it, or go back up and listen to Exile again, since they were the only other option.

The Everly Brothers, aside from almost being somewhat from Kentucky, were darn talented early rock and roll performers. Hits such as Wake Up Little Suzie, All I Have To Do is Dream, and Cathy's Clown still hold up as prime examples of America's pre-British Invasion rock and roll landscape. Clean, simple, and direct songs that speak to the state of the nation in the late 1950's and early 1960's. Never mind Cuban missiles and the Red Menace, Suzie, we fell asleep in the movie theater!!!

Here's the Everly boys with their first hit, a track turned down by thirty other artists, including Elvis Presley, Bye Bye Love. In karaoke fashion if you'd like to play along with the home game...

Honorable Mention: Jackie DeShannon

The indomitable Jackie Dee didn't make the honorable mention spot so much because I really enjoy her music, it's more because there's something about her vocals that just creep the shit right out of me.

Seriously, I know it's supposed to be all happy and uplifting, but when I hear her sing He's Got the Whole World in His Hands it brings on some existential crisis of being within my brain that makes me want to cut myself just to make sure I can still bleed...

Good or bad, that's some powerful vocal styling. Besides, if I don't pick her, I'm afraid she'll come get me and make me listen to What the World Needs Now is Love... No way would I make it through without hurling myself off the tallest building I could find from the sheer loneliness she implies in her vocalization.

Think about it, if what the world NEEDS is love, than the obvious reason WHY is because no one in the world is currently really truly loved already. That's a major fucking bummer...

Just when it seems the clouds will never part though, she did bring us Put a Little Love in Your Heart. I don't know why, but I can get uplifting out of this one more than the others... Maybe because Spock sang it too...

Catch us next time when we're down on the bayou's of Louisiana... I wonder if there'll be some jazz mentioned...