Arkansas

Arkansas has a rich musical tradition featuring one great artist, and a slew of awful ones. That's really pretty much it, but that isn't going to stop me from sucking the musical marrow from the dried and useless husk of 'The Natural State'.

If ever a state deserved a good 'Smackover'...

It's also not going to stop me from pointing out the fun and interesting facts about the union's 25th state, and the home state of a very famous American known for the time he spent at the White House...

Roger Clinton

Roger is known for his time in jail, his role in Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, His pop non-hit Walking the Dog, and... He had a half-brother who did a few things too...

Before moving on to Wikipedia's Arkansas Fun Facts, Cruise Director Julie has asked me to say a few words about the lovely town of Fort Smith, where she recently stayed during a driving trip across the country.

Fort Smith just recently got themselves a Starbucks, so, welcome, to 1992... Fort Smith is also known for a number of haunted locations, including the fort, Fort Smith, the old Fort Smith Courthouse, the new Fort Smith Courthouse, and the Fort Smith Boys & Girls Club.

Suffice it to say, if you have to go to court in Fort Smith, you MAY not be appearing ALONE...

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ha!

Fort Smith, through CSD Julie's anecdotal evidence, is also a lovely and enjoyable town that is much, much nicer than the state's Capital, Little Rock. One could say, although not *I*, never having been there, but one COULD say Little Rock is where Fort Smith goes to take a dump.

Welcome to Litt... Oh, you get it... Why must bathroom trash cans be whicker?

Once again, Little Rock, it's not me, I just do as I'm told...

Now, on to Wikifacts!

- Arkansas' highest point is Mount Magazine, which is taller even than the communal Playboy collection housed at University of Arkansas freshman dorms...

2,100 feet would be a BIG mountain of magazines...

- The Mississippi river forms most of Arkansas' eastern border, making it exceedingly difficult to straddle the Arkansas/Mississippi border for photo opportunities... Unless you're Aquaman...

- Northwestern Arkansas contains a portion of the Ozark mountain range, if you're looking for a new jug band to jam with.

- The city of Murfreesboro is home to a number of caves where diamonds were discovered in the early 1900's

- Murfreesboro looks like it's spelled wrong, but it isn't.

- See

- Arkansas generally has a humid, sub-tropical climate. So maybe there's not many cities, and a whole lot of Christian Rock, but at least you'll be miserably hot and sweaty while you're there!

- As a part of Tornado Alley, tornadoes are not uncommon in Arkansas...

- Tidal waves however are very unlikely. That's why it's not part of Tidal Wave Alley

- Tornado Alley is made by Hasbro, can be purchased at Toys R Us, and is appropriate for children 5 and over.

- The above fact is not true of Tornado Alley, but it's totally true of Twister...

- Twister is always better as an idea, rather than actually in practice, like stopping a desk fan with your tongue.

The Selections:

Solo Artist- Johnny Cash

Johnny Cash is the only good reason to not just split Arkansas equally between Kansas and Mississippi. The Man in Black could make the solo artist top spot in a handful of states in the union, but since he's from the generally unrepresented state of Arkansas, his birthday really should be a state holiday.

Many people point to Folsom Prison Blues, or Ring of Fire as an example of Johnny Cash's greatness, but there is something so much more cheesy and melodramatic in some of Johnny's more hidden gems. Without Johnny and June's duet Jackson, most of us would never know the best place to get drinkin' and whorin' in Mississippi... Without Johnny's stirring rendition of Kris Kristofferson's Sunday Morning Coming Down, most of us would have never experienced the life of a hapless alcoholic without the puking on yourself, and gut wrenching delirium tremens... Without Johnny's The Ballad of Ira Hayes, most of us wouldn't remember the horrible stereotype of drunken, lazy Native Americans who become World War II heroes, only to return home and become drunks again... The Native American community loved Johnny for this song... I think they should have collectively punched him in the face...

Without Johnny, hopeless neo-punks would have to find some OTHER American icon who was photographed flipping the bird to iron on to their Dickies jackets...

Band: Evanescence

This is not an easy choice for me, but the options are very, very limited. It's either these guys, or a random Christian metal act... Oh, and Evanescence ISN'T Christian metal... Unless you WANT them to be, in which case they are... But if you DON'T, than they totally HATE Christians... Like... TOTALLY...

Unless you're Christian, in which case peace be with you, and with Evanescence...

What I'm trying to say is, if you are offered a plate of broken glass, and a plate of wood splinters, and you absolutely HAVE to eat one of them, you'll have a better chance of living through the wood splinters...

Evanescence is a big old plate of wood splinters... Hypocritical wood splinters...

Enjoy!

Honorable Mention: Charlie Rich

This is a true honorable mention choice. Just like the recurring character actors make Law & Order the definition of great televised drama, musicians like Charlie Rich polished the performances of artists that shaped early Rock & Roll.

Prior to scoring hits in his own right with The Most Beautiful Girl and Behind Closed Doors Charlie Rich earned his chops playing as a studio musician for Sun Records, supporting artists including Jerry Lee Lewis, and Johnny Cash.

Rich then achieved his greatest commercial success in the 1970's, a heyday for Arkansas country artists including not just Rich, but also Conway Twitty and Glenn Campbell.

That's right, The Most Beautiful Girl, Honky Tonk Angel, and Rhinestone Cowboy are ALL products of sons of Arkansas. This is why Johnny Cash is the only thing that keeps the state from being dissolved for it's crimes against humanity...

The main reason that Rich trumps Twitty or Campbell as the honorably mentioned Arkansan, is his role as himself in Clint Eastwood's 1979 Any Which Way But Loose.

Clint Eastwood + Charlie Rich + An Orangutan named Clyde = COMEDY GOLD

To recap, CSD Julie is a big fan of Fort Smith. I am a big fan of Johnny Cash. Other than that, I couldn't be happier that I don't have to find a single other thing to say about the state of Arkansas...

Next, arguably the toughest choice of the bunch, the great and varied land of California, home to every American artist who isn't from New York or Massachusetts.

Arizona

Hey Arizona, I've got a question for you...

What? Sometime Ostriches need to know things...

What do you do on a sunny June Saturday, when it's 110 degrees in the shade, and all you can find to quench your thirst is 190 proof Everclear?

You ROCK THE EFF OUT!!!

Arizona could arguably be the easiest state of the fifty. There are plenty of options, none of whom could be considered revolutionary rock royalty, and I really only enjoy a handful, so I don't feel bad about leaving out bands like The Meat Puppets and Linkin Park. No offense intended, but these are not world-setting-on-fire acts. I think my iTunes includes one or two songs by each, and that's not what I call 'influential'. That being said, if EITHER of these bands was from Alaska, I wouldn't have had to trade it for Iceland...

Look at me. I'm getting SO excited over my choices I've totally skipped over Arizona's fun facts... A thousand apologies Grand Canyon State.

First off, a personal fact.

If you leave Las Vegas, NV heading into the desert, and you find yourself at a huge sonofabitchin' dam, then you've left Nevada, and entered Arizona. This theorem is tested, I proved it in July.

Wikiness!

-Arizona is one of the four corner states with Colorado, Utah, and New Mexico. Oddly enough it's the only one of the four states I'm looking forward to writing about

- Arizona is the home of one of the largest meteorite impact sites in the world. It's a big frickin' hole in the ground, but not the biggest frickin' hole in the ground in Arizona... Due to a canyon that's pretty grand...

- Arizona does not observe daylight savings time, which makes it a pain in the ass to tell someone from Arizona what time they need to jump on a conference call.

- While Arizona is a lovely and colorful sounding name for a state, it roughly means 'Dry Region'. There's nothing lovely or colorful about dry regions... Arizona needs some chap stick, or at least a moist towelette.

- Arizona is known as the Birthplace of Scientology, the state's third largest hole in the ground...

- If Arizona was a separate country, it would have the 61st largest national economy in the world, meaning if we were to trade it like Alaska, we'd totally be able to score Finland in return.

Byzantine palaces AND the birthplace of the NHL's Saku Koivu... Maybe it's worth it...

- Finland is the home country of classical cello quartet Apocolyptica, who compose and perform orchestral versions of Metallica tunes. They rule, but not enough to trade Arizona for.

Ornate palaces, Hockey players, AND cello badasses? Sorry Arizona, I'd do this deal...

- Arizona is prominently featured in many Country & Western songs, because nothing says comfort like riding a horse in 100 degree heat... Wearing cowboy boots and chaps...

OK, enough with the facts, time for the good stuff...

The Selections:

Solo Artist: Alice Cooper

Vincent Damon Furnier was born in Detroit Rock City, but due to a myriad of childhood illnesses exacerbated by the cold wet weather in Detroit, and later Pennsylvania, the Furnier family moved to Arizona where their child Vincent could thrive in the warm dry air.

Vincent also thrived musically, adopting the Nombe de Rock Alice Cooper.

Cooper scored massive hard rock hits in the early part of the 70's with I'm Eighteen and School's Out. Two teen angst anthems that to this day can be heard screaming out the car windows of graduating seniors in high schools across the nation.

My Transmission's OUT for SUMMER!!! My Engine's DEAD FOREVER!!

Cooper continued releasing shock rock albums designed to sharpen the edges of human consciousness through fist pumping anger throughout the 70's and 80's and released him most recent album just this year. His 18th full length entitled Along Came a Spider. I have not yet sampled the new flavor of Alice, but when I do, it shall be a bad day to be a set of speakers...

Band: Jimmy Eat World

The only moment of hesitation surrounding Arizona's selections were in the decision of which band would make the 'band' slot, and which would take the 'honorable mention' slot. When the dust settled, it came down to the simple fact that Jimmy Eat world released the absolute greatest album ever to debut on my birthday, July 18, 2001's Bleed American.


If you are not familiar with Bleed, which was later printed as a self-titled album due to the terror attacks of September 11th, you should not be reading a blog right now, you should be on iTunes or some other wholly respectable and legal music download site familiarizing yourself with the soundtrack of an era. We were a different nation before and after that day in September when the distance between cultures got larger and the world itself shrunk to the size of a New York City block. Released months prior, Bleed American captures so much of the anger, confusion, and desire to move on of the times those of us caught captive by the television felt, even though it so notably pre-dated the events themselves.

If your a fan of this album as I am, and have never drawn the parallel, give a listen to 'Get it Faster'. There's a rage in that song I could not understand until that day, yet somehow Jimmy Eat World had already captured long before. It's prescient and scary.

There's so much more here than hurt feelings and doom & gloom though. It's also an album you can and will find yourself singing along to from front to back, and while none of the band's other works have hit the same emotional and pure-pop-joy of Bleed, there's great tracks to be discovered on all of them. This is what real rock music of the new American century sounds like.

Honorable Mention: Gin Blossoms

The definition of a 'Behind The Music' band. Alcoholism and eventual suicide took the life of their original lead guitarist Doug Hopkins, a break-up-length 'hiatus' from 1997 until 2001 followed by an alcohol related breakdown and dismissal of their 2nd drummer Phillip Rhodes, led to a dearth pf new recordings until 2006's Major Lodge Victory, their third full length, and final to date. The longest term replacement for Rhodes, Scott Kusmirek has now officially left the band as of September 30th of this year.

This once great beacon of Alt-Rock's future during the boom of early 90's alternative is now without a label, writing new music to release a new album 20 years after it's first, just it's 5th LP over than expansive time frame.

But there's plenty of good here too...

I first heard the Gin Blossoms in late summer 1992 on Jed the Fish's 'Catch of the Day' on KROQ 106.7 in Los Angeles. I distinctly remember first hearing the track Hey Jealousy off the New Miserable Experience album in the mid afternoon, roughly 3:00 or so. I immediately grabbed a blank TDK 90 minute and popped it into my dual deck cassette stereo.

Remember, this was 1992, we listened to our music 45 minutes at a time, followed by short 30 second breaks to flip the tape over...

I then spent the next 6 hours glued to the radio, waiting for a re-play of a song that had somehow altered my 14 year old brain chemistry. In the interim, I was serenaded by Ween, L7, The The, Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice In Chains, man... the list is endless. This was not my first experience with most of these bands, but sitting intently glued to every noise issuing from those shelf-system speakers sixteen years ago is to the best of my recollection, the moment in which that switch was flipped. Gin Blossoms, as much as any other musical act, can be credited with my ongoing obsession with modern rock, my mind-altering need to relive thousands of auditory flashbacks as often as possible, and the very existence of this blog... Maybe I should change the name to Hey Jealousy...

Alright, it's late, and this has started getting way more sappy than funny. as I check the clock and see that the day is about to change, it reminds me of all the days gone by driving aimlessly just to listen to a new album, making tapes from my dad's old records, building my own record collection from used shops now only open for business in my memories and I ponder just how much time I've given to pop music since first listening to the US release The Beatles 2nd Album for the first time twenty some odd years ago.

Hell, it's still not as much time as I've devoted to earning a paycheck to buy more music.

See you next time when I trudge helplessly through Arkansas...

Alaska, or some... OTHER... block of ice...

Alaska,

It's pretty, but can I dance to it?

You've given us Jewel... Good for you... Anything else? Anything at all?

No.

Not a thing.

Not a single.

Solitary.

Thing.

Fine. Be that way. You're not going to get the better of me, because I've worked it all out... You've got no musical history, horrid politicians, and way to many dudes with beards, so you know what, I'm trading you, straight up, for Iceland.

That's right, Iceland is now the 49th of the 50 states in the union. Iceland will now be the northernmost frozen wasteland sharing no land border with any other parts of the US... And you know what, They can see Greenland from there...

Iceland, land of Bjork and Bjork's band, The Sugarcubes... Land named to confuse Viking invaders, land that's NOT Alaska...

Unlike Alabama, I DID do a report in high school about Iceland, although, I admit, I mailed it in... The thing had to be a full page long, and I write small, so in order to make A + B = A finished paper, I included the A#1 most important fact about Iceland.

Iceland, being an island, is obviously surrounded on all sides by water.

Now, more fun Iceland facts, From The Wiki...

- Iceland boasts some of the world's highest levels of economic and civil freedoms

- In 2007 Iceland was ranked the most developed country in the world per the UN's Human Development Index

- Icelanders have a rich cultural heritage of cuisine and poetry

- Why didn't we trade for Iceland LONG ago??

- Iceland's capital, and largest city, is Reykjavik, which is Icelandic for 'The Capital of Iceland'

- No, it isn't

- Reykjavik actually translates loosely to 'Smokey Bay'

- Boca Raton, Florida translates quite literally to 'Rat's Mouth'

- A brief history of Icelandic music: The music of Iceland is related to Nordic music forms, and includes vibrant folk and pop traditions, including medieval music group Voces Thules, alternative rock band The Sugarcubes, singers Björk and Emiliana Torrini, and post-rock band Sigur Rós. The only folk band whose recordings are marketed abroad is Islandica.
The national anthem of Iceland is "Lofsöngur", written by Matthías Jochumsson, with music by Sveinbjörn Sveinbjörnsson [1]. The song was written in 1874, when Iceland celebrated the one thousandth anniversary of settlement on the island. It was in the form of a hymn, first published under the title A Hymn in Commemoration of Iceland's Thousand Years.

Now, on to the selections:

Solo Artist: Bjork

She's the most famous person in Iceland, she's been nominated for 15 Grammys, and she's been known to wear swan shaped dresses. There is no better a reason to pick anyone to be on any list, ever. I could have gone with Johann Johannsson, but you'd think I was making that up and stereotyping against the good people of Iceland as some sort of Nordic caricatures, but really, I'm not... The guy is real...

Would I lie to you? Meet Johann Johannsson...

I could go on and on about Bjork, but since I'm picking her as the best solo artist in Iceland I probably shouldn't. To be honest, I don't much care for Bjork beyond her Post album, but Army of Me is a killer song, and if you're ever stuck in traffic and what to act like you're cooler than everybody in the cars around you, put on Hyperballad and crank it to eleven... Then just sit there with a bored look on your face while all the other drivers stare longingly, wishing they could be as Europeanly detached as you...

But watch out for dudes driving F150's sporting Trucknutz, Those guys will kick your ass for listening to Bjork in America...

Band: The Sugar Cubes



You know what, bite me. I didn't phone this in. I looked high and low for other bands from Iceland, and the only other one worth a damn made their way into the Honorable Mention spot because I think they've still got something to prove. If anything, Bjork was the phone in, like I said, I don't really even like her all that much solo, but I DO actually dig The Sugarcubes...

If you enjoy Euro-Pop, and my extensive Icicle Works collection shows I do, than you can't get much more Euro that Birthday. One of many tunes that came to the attention of the greater world's radio audience thanks to British DJ John Peel.

In the states, Birthday hardly made a ripple, but the Cubes did manage a mod-rock chart topper in '91 with the aptly titled Hit. If you answered 'yes' to an enjoyment of Euro-Pop, and can equally answer 'yes' to an enjoyment of all things 1991, than you would keenly-extra-super-wow-enjoy Hit.

I had the pleasure of seeing The Sugarcubes live when they opened for U2 on the Zoo TV tour not long before their 1992 breakup, which likely rosies up the Cubes in my mind, but even adjusting for memorial rock concert hyperbole, you're not likely to find a better group of Icelanders to all play at the same time...

Except Maybe...

Honorable Mention: Sigur Ros
If Sigur Ros was from the UK, or Ireland, or the US, or Australia, or Germany, they would not even begin to get a sniff on a best of list, but there's something to be said for the limitations of Geography. It's not mere happenstance that Iceland is light on world-wide pop music superstars, it's totally understandable that a country as isolated and steeped in the traditions of Scandinavian culture would not produce many artists who can score mass appeal in non-Scandinavian countries.

All the more reason to celebrate those who do.

The music of Sigur Ros is kind of touch to classify... It's kind of like Radiohead, except it's OK that it makes no sense, because they're not speaking English... Or even Icelandic. Much of the music of Sigur Ros is performed in a non-existent language referred to as Vonlenska, in English, often referred to as Hopelandic.

Enjoy Sigur Ros live at MoMA in NYC


Finally, an extra special deserving mention for the only act to come out of Alaska and make any sort of a dent on modern American music,
Jewel Kilcher

Jewel was born in Peyson, Utah, the daughter of....


Ummm... Waitaminute...


Utah?

OK, screw YOU Alaska! That's SO not cool! I'm telling Putin...

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!

Next: The first state I didn't have to BS my way through... They like their Sun Devily, and their Senators old... Arizona here I come!

Alabama

I'm kicking off the 50 State Strategy... I'm going to give every state it's own post, even the lame ones (I'm looking at YOU North Dakota)...

I'm not going to post one a day. Some days I may post a few, other days I may post other stuff, but sometime between now and the end of the Obama administration (Damn that sounds nice) I will have finished off all 50 states... Really... Or not... If not, ask for a refund, I dare ya...

Without further adieu, State No. 1, Alabama...

Surprisingly little has changed since 1895...

Since every state is going to get it's own post, we might as well give each state a little attention from a non-musical point of view. Maybe it can help us better understand the artists from these locales, and why they make the music that they do... Maybe it will help us understand why many artist adopt new home states before making it big... Or maybe it will simply help US appreciate OUR states better by comparison...

Alabama is a state I was never required to do a class project on, nor a state I have ever desired to visit, so all I know of Alabama, I will discover right effing now, through the power of Wikipedia...

- The state flag of Alabama is white with a red X in the middle... That is somehow fitting of my perception of Alabama... A warning perhaps??

Abandon hope, all y'all who enter hence n' whatnot...

- Alabama is bordered by Mississippi, Tennessee, Georgia, and the Gulf of Mexico. It's hard to decide who I feel worse for in this situation... I think I'd say the gulf...

- The capital of Alabama is Montgomery. I did not require Wikipedia to tell me that. Just thought you should all know that... I KNOW my capitals...

- I did not know that... I thought it was Birmingham...

- Alabama has all sorts of history. Trust me on that. If you want to know more, use your Internet connection for something other than surfing lame blogs...

- A fact that may lend some understanding to the music scene in Alabama is the population demographics. Residents who describe themselves as 'white' make up 73% of the population, while residents identifying themselves as 'black' make up 26% of the population. Some quick math tells us that's not going to leave room for a whole lot of 'other', which tends to mean the state will be dominated historically by Country and Blues respectively.

- Alabama's musical history is dominated by Country and Blues...

- Helpful Hint: State sales tax in Alabama is only 4%. If you're planning on buying something expensive from a retailer, buy it in Alabama... May I suggest the Ionic Breeze 3.0, because no one wants stagnant ions...

- Famous Alabamians include: Hank Aaron, Tallulah Bankhead, Charles Barkley, Hugo L. Black, George Washington Carver, Nat King Cole, Courteney Cox Arquette, Mitch Holleman, Zelda Fitzgerald, William C. Handy, Bo Jackson, Helen Keller (Image at right, in Patty Duke form...), Coretta Scott King, Harper Lee, Joe Louis, Willie Mays, John Hunt Morgan, Jim Nabors, Jesse Owens, Rosa Parks, Satchel Paige, Condoleezza Rice, Bart Starr, George Wallace, Ruben Studdard, Booker T. Washington, Billy Williams and Hank Williams.

Now for my selections:

Solo Artist: Wilson Pickett

Land of 1,000 Dances, Mustang Sally, and In The Midnight Hour. There's something to be said for quality over quantity, and while Wilson Pickett did amass a catalog of 23 albums before his death from a heart attack in 2006, he never managed success in his later career to match his meteoric mid 60's rise to fame. Never the less, he sang three iconic R&B/Rock crossover hits, and was credited with co-writing on Midnight Hour.

While his later career was not filled with chart success, he earned his chops as a songwriter, collaborating with artists as varied as Led Zepplin, The Grateful Dead, Booker T. and the MG's, Ani DiFranco, Echo & The Bunnymen, Hootie & the Blowfish, and Roxy Music. Pickett was an artist who truly touched all corners of pop music.

Band: Alabama

Alabama's official band photographer: Glamour Shots

If you are from a state known partially for it's country music roots, and you are a country band who names itself after said state, you have an excellent shot at representing that state on this list. Hence, Alabama.

Before you go knocking Alabama as a conveniently named choice and nothing more, consider that they were the most successful country act of the 1980's... YEAH... Not so sure about knocking the 'bama anymore are ya?

Much like Wilson Pickett (in this way and no other) Alabama's success was due in large part to their ability to cross over from their 'main' genre of Country seamlessly into Rock & Roll. Their crossover chart hits included Love in the First Degree, Tennessee River, Mountain Music, and When We Make Love.

Honestly, the idea that the boys of Alabama want me to picture them 'makin' love' is almost disturbing enough to drop them off the list all together, but the state isn't known for it's bands... I guess I could have gone with The Commodores, but Lionel Richie creeps me out... I'm always afraid I'm going to come home to find him stuck to my ceiling...

GET OUT OF MY DREAMS LIONEL!!!

And get into my car...

Looking to set the record for most L2D references in straight blog posts... Two might already do it...

Honorable Mention: Percy Sledge

Percy Sledge started his career with his one and only #1 hit, When a Man Loves a Woman. From such great heights, Percy never returned to the summit of Pop stardom, but he did have to listen to his one and only #1 hit butchered by Michael Bolton, so for that, he deserves an honorable mention spot.

Fun fact about Percy, Republican strategist Lee Atwater played backup guitar for Percy through most of the 1960's. For those of us who have become increasingly convinced over the last few years that Republicans have no soul, Mr. Atwater proves that they can at least play backup to those who do...

FUNK OVERBITE... ENGAGE!!!!

Fun non-fact about Percy Sledge, The Sledge Sisters of Sister Sledge are not, in fact his sisters, or related in any known way. They are NOT, in fact, Family...

Next time: Find out how I solve a problem like Alaska...

Simpler times, Simpler tunes

I'm back... Feelin' hopeful, feelin' energized, feelin' compelled to drop my g's even though we elected the competent VP...

Still, things are looking ten shades of crappy out there. We're still at war, in multiple places, our economy is still spiralling down faster than Milli Vanilli's post Grammy-stripping 'career' and our current prospects look about as likely as Guns n' Roses putting out a quick followup to Chinese Democracy... I need me some help here folks... Help that doesn't come in the form of soaring rhetorical speeches, or promises of a brighter tomorrow... I need the kind of help that can only be found wedged in the cracks of our past.

So I've been digging, deep in my crack... I mean... past... to pull out just the kind of inspiration I need to not cash out what's left of my 401K for some self-hangin' rope and a community college course in noose tying...

May I present the self-titled album, Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club...

First off, to understand the joys of Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club you have to ignore your better instincts and succumb to two truisms.

1. If you compare Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club to the movie The Breakfast Club, you will be SORELY disappointed... Just like Imo's green avocado dip is not the same thing as guacamole, Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club is not the same thing as The Breakfast Club.

2. If you released an album in 1987 it totally WAS acceptable to only put 9 tracks on it, and have a total running time under 35 minutes... Keep in mind, large amounts of blow totally mess with your concentration levels. I highly doubt most of BC's core audience made it past track two before heading off to find new ways to layer themselves in more denim...

Now that we have accepted the reality of the product we are dealing with, we can distract ourselves with the mind numbing synth-pop that is Breakfast Club's only release, Breakfast Club.

Please to enjoy some facts about Breakfast Club, and their album, Breakfast Club...

- Breakfast Club's original drummer was a no-talent hack who went on to mire in obscurity, never reaching the level of fame her former band mates would achieve... While the newly formed Breakfast Club was releasing their grandly triumphant (and only) self-titled album, their former drummer was starring in a POS 80's flick called 'Who's That Girl' and had only released three solo albums including the prior year's True Blue... That's right, the first drummer of Breakfast Club was the totally forgotten and culturally irrelevant Madonna... She SO should have stuck with the band.

- Breakfast Club's one and only album, Breakfast Club featured just 9 songs, FIVE of which were released as singles... Obviously, when you release a pretty short, really crappy album, the best way to turn it successful is force as much crap as possible down the public's throat while smilingly convincing them said crap is actually delicious Imo avocado dip...

-Breakfast Club's one and only US hit from their FIVE releases off the album was 'Right on Track'. This is by FAR the best song on the album, leaving all the other cuts in the dust. Right on Track totally rules this record like a Mother Superior at a home for wayward girls... You know what I'm talking about... Get out of line 'Rico Mambo' and Right on Track is going to have to bust out the ruler and wrap your knuckles until you never even THINK about writing left handed again!!

- Right on Track is an awful, AWFUL song.

- American Idol judge Randy Jackson performed on Breakfast Club's only post-album release, a cover of The Beatles classic 'Drive My Car' found on the soundtrack to the Corey Haim/Corey Feldman/Heather Graham film classic 'License to Drive'. Randy Jackson is the kiss of death for 80's pop bands. I need no further proof than Breakfast Club. Oh, and Journey...

- Yes, that totally was Heather Graham playing the hot chick in License to Drive. It was also totally 'Law & Order' player Richard Masur playing Corey Haim's father. Richard Masur was also in Fire Down Below and subsequently, should be ashamed.

- My copy of Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club is vinyl, and was purchased used online. The prior owner apparently felt that their cover of 'Expressway to Your Heart' was the best song on the album, because it pops and skips like a sonofabitch...

- On Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club track #7, Specialty, Breakfast Club explains that 'love' is their specialty... Breakfast Club is mistaken. Crappy music is most definitely their true specialty...

- A reviewer on Amazon Prime so totally loves Breakfast Club. I shall not post their name, because I am not here to humiliate... well, except the 'artists' themselves. Suffice it to say you know who you are, and if you come across this, I apologize profusely for insulting your favorite band...

- OK, I'm a jerk. I so totally had to link this.

- Contrary to popular belief, good things did happen in 1987. For example(s): (Thanks be to Wikipedia...)

January 1 - Frobisher Bay, Northwest Territories, changes its name to Iqaluit. In 1999, it became the capital of Nunavut.

February 11 - The new Constitution of the Philippines goes into effect.

March 9 - Irish rock band U2 release studio album The Joshua Tree.

April 19 - The first appearance of The Simpsons on The Tracy Ullman Show.

May 11 - The first heart-lung transplant takes place in Baltimore, Maryland.

June 19 - In the case of Edwards v. Aguillard, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that a Louisiana law requiring that creation science be taught in public schools whenever evolution was taught was unconstitutional.

July 21 - Guns N' Roses release their debut album, Appetite For Destruction, which would go on to sell over 28 million copies as of 2008.

August 2 - Viswanathan Anand becomes the first Asian to win The World Junior Chess Championship.

October 25 - The Minnesota Twins win the 1987 World Series, despite having the worst regular season win-loss ratio for a winner, a record they held until 2006.

December 1 - Construction of the Channel Tunnel is initiated.

-The Release of Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club happened in 1987. This was not a good thing.

In spite of all these impressive facts and figures, it may surprise you to learn I'm not a very big fan of this band, or album. It just shows to go ya, sometimes you're better keeping that $2 in your pocket, rather than blowing it on 80's records via eBay...

Wow... I feel somehow better. I guess one could say that Breakfast Club's Breakfast Club managed to make me get up and back, right on track...

Bad Blogger... Bad!!

I know I have been absent for a few months. I have what I think is a good reason. I have been deeply ingrained in following the election for the last several weeks and I didn't want to turn the blog all political and junk. Suffice it to say that I will be voting, and I think everyone else should too.





If you care what my political opinion is, feel free to follow my Twitter profile. I'll get back to music soon enough... November 5th, if not before...





http://twitter.com/OCKerouac

From New York Last Spring

Very Short List

I think I need to cancel my membership in VSL's daily e-mail nuggets of wisdom and joy... I simply cannot afford buying everything they suggest, and my Amazon wish list is growing to unruly proportions...

Submitted for your approval, internet, science shows that it's OK to love your music... http://www.veryshortlist.com/vsl/daily.cfm/review/559/Book/the-world-in-six-songs-how-the-musical-brain-created-human-nature/

Survey Culture

Yeah, I know, I owe the nation a blog post about better by-state music options than a bunch of hip Bostoners can come up with... It's taking a while... Don't blame me, blame North Dakota...

In the mean time, something completely random has hit me after getting yet another request to complete an online service survey, this time from my bank.

When did this start? Have big businesses across our country ALWAYS needed daily affirmations from their customers, or is there a belief my time is less valuable than my parents time was because I have the ability to go online to answer useless questions? C'mon guys, I don't have time for that, what with my blog surfing, obsessing about psych-rock, and endlessly searching for some heretofore unknown holy grail of useless cinema... (Of which The Tenebrous Empire may have uncovered...)

If Best Buy, Home Depot, Starbucks, JC Penney, Target, my car dealer, my bank, local grocery store, regular eateries, and online retailers want to know if I'm happy with their service, perhaps they should take a look and see if I purchase goods and/or services from them more than once. If I have been a customer before, and I come back to partake in their particular brand of business again, then there is an above-average chance that I am happy with their service...

Keep in mind, I'm not advocating a complete lack of outlet for consumers to complain, or praise. I think it's a tremendous advancement that the Internet allows customers to anonymously post positive or negative feedback about a purchasing experience they have had. At the same time, each and every time I buy a DVD, a box of nails, or go out to dinner I am not likely to have a sublimely good or bad experience. For the most part, my purchasing excursion is going to be unremarkable, and as such, not something I would have any desire to comment about...

SO STOP ASKING ME TO!

And now a word to my bank... I have been a customer for eleven years... If I was unhappy with the service, you likely would have known about it 10 or so years ago when I closed my account... Since that hasn't happened, take solace in the fact I still pay you each month for the right to pay my bills online... You're already taking my money, stop trying to waste my time too.

One could say 'Hey Asshole, in the amount of time you've spent writing this inflammatory useless garbage, you could have just taken the damn survey and made your bank feel all warm and fuzzy inside.' While you may be correct, I would still be stuck choking on this cathartic rant, wondering if my bank really wanted me to answer their questions, or were secretly trying to tell me they wanted to go on a date...

Either way, I've gone a bit off base here. My point was not to rail against the individual purveyors of this new 'survey culture', but more to point out to others, who may not have noticed, that this new trend in business practice is upon us, and man is it annoying. Take note the next time you are making a retail purchase at a store, online, or even just checking your e-mail... I'll bet you end up with a plea for acceptance. 'Please oh please nameless one, tell us you LOVE the way we bag your groceries...'

What's more, it seems that survey culture has replaced good old fashioned customer service. Keep in mind, I grew up in the 80's, so I'm not talking about the 'good old days' when gas stations featured service attendants or when your local butcher knew your name, I'm just talking about the recent past, before the Internet, when a check out clerk would say 'and how was everything today' rather than, 'here's a code to take an online survey... NEXT'

I'm a pretty easy sell. I usually go into a retailer knowing what I want, and open to a positive purchasing experience. Often, if it happens, I will seek out an avenue to write something nice about an employee, or the overall experience. I do this because I've worked retail jobs, and understand the challenge of dealing with the public at large. That said, if an establishment cannot provide the level of service that would make an 'easy' customer want to seek out an avenue to praise their service, begging every customer to reveal their level of enjoyment at said service is not likely to lead to positive, or accurate results.

What I'm getting at here is that this trend toward surveys is ruining the customer interaction experience, it's wasting consumer's time, and to top it off, isn't even providing the retailer with useful data... I beg you, uber-successful captains of industry who obviously take to the blogosphere to see what every day citizens think of you, stop this surveying madness... Stand up and say "I'm mad as hell, and I don't care what you think about it on a scale of one to five in which one is 'entirely unsatisfied' and five is 'thoroughly orgasmic'!" Take a stand to train your employees to glean useful information for your customers. Or better yet, do what every business did in the 90's, stop caring what your customers think, and just buy up all the competition!

Now, if you wouldn't mind taking a little survey on this post...

The Fifty State Project

I just have to share... Every band or artist who's not from either New York or Boston, Mass. is from California. That's just the way it is... Except of course for America, who are from London... Huh? Yeah... You heard right Internets...

Inspired By Anger

OK, perhaps 'Anger' is kind of harsh... Maybe, 'Inspired by Rock-Snob Geekery to Disagree with Dissenting Opinions at All Costs' would be a more apt title... Either way, I'll take inspiration where I can get it, and this is just as good a source as any...

http://thephoenix.com/Supplements/2008/50States/

The attached link is kind of a train-wreck of what Boston area hipsters do when killing time at the local Starbucks. For the most part, I can 'grain of salt' this kind of stuff and remember that not everyone is as savvy as I am when it comes to musical taste... I continue on knowing that few are as full of themselves. That makes me feel better, and that is, after all, what REALLY matters.

Ummm... A Point! THAT'S what I'm missing here! Below is a break down of both the head-against-a-wall inducing errors, and the small handful of blind-squirrels-found-some-nuts descent choices of the whole list. Feel free to give each one a read, complete with the somewhat humorous and always snarky rationales behind them, but at the end of the day, I'm sure you'll agree that some, if not most of these are WAY off base.

As a result, I shall begin working on an epic post, not quite 0f 'Why The Grammy's Blow' proportions, but still, larger, and more researched than the average. It may take a few days, some teeth gnashing, a fair amount of gut wrenching guilt, and likely more than one mistake along the way, but I'm going to assemble my OWN 50 state list...

As an aside, I tend to not believe that artists are deserving of a spot on MY list just because they currently happen to be playing free shows in crappy Midwestern bars, so as a result, there will be NO 'best new band' by state. Instead, I'll go Best Band, Best Artist, and Honorable Mention, going to, in my opinion, the most under rated band or solo performer from the state.

But first, before I partake in my grand nationwide tour, it's time to lambaste others for their poor taste and obvious lack of effort...

Florida: Lynyrd Effing Skynyrd! Off the top of my head, I can't shoot out an alternate Florida band, but I guaran-damn-tee that I will research this to the ends of the earth until I find a suitable replacement... Lynyrd Skynyrd will never, EVER, be the best of anything, except perhaps the best example of why being spontaneously stricken deaf might not be so bad... Oh no, wait, that one goes to our NEXT misapplied entrant...

Delaware: George Thorogood... Yep... THAT one... I realize Delaware is a painfully small state that likely is not as rich in musical influences as say New York, California, Massachusetts, Washington... Well, probably anywhere except maybe Wyoming, but from where I'm standing, this guy couldn't even win Wyoming... Earlier on this very blog I opined about the grave mistakes we made as a people during the 80's when it came to what is actually entertaining. In many ways we have made up for those mistakes by learning from them. Please don't set back 20+ years of human development by reintroducing the youth of the nation to 'Bad To The Bone'. I'd go so far as to say that the Thorogood Crisis matches, if not EXCEEDS, Global Warming as the #1 threat to humanity by and large in the coming years. Only YOU can prevent drunken bar-room bravado...

New York: The list of 'misses' could go on and on until it occupies over 75 of the total 153 entrants on the list (They gave DC it's own list, a bold move representing the un-represented...) I fear if I break down every single error in detail, I'll overshadow the importance of this incredibly pathetic choice. As far as solo artists go, New York has got to be top-of-the-heap when it comes to potential suitors, especially since the list liberally chose the states in which performers ascended, as opposed to just where they were born. That being the case, two performers, lauded quite heavily in the sites comments section, Billy Joel and Paul Simon would both have made excellent, almost untouchable choices for the award... So naturally, they went with Mary J. Blige...

Ummm... WHAT!!?!

Perhaps the boys in Boston were just trying to prove they're 'Urban'... If that's the case, I could have let them slide with Biggie, or even Puffy but give me a break... If the Faboo Ms. MJB happens upon this little nugget whilst ego-surfing, I'm sure she would immediately call her publicist and ask how much it cost to get thrown onto the list... I'd go so far as to say that even Mama Blige, if she is still with us, would not agree that her daughter trumps Rhythm Simon or The Piano Man. I'm not one for Internet cliches, but this is definitively an EPIC FAIL...

OK, enough with the venom... There were some good choice on the list. Some of them seemingly obvious, going with The Beach Boys for California, REM and Ray Charles for Georgia, letting the people make the choice between Bob Dylan and Prince for Minnesota. All this proves is that at least one person on the staff of The Phoenix has actually listed to music at some point in their lifetime. Admittedly though, there were some great calls outside of the no-brainers...

Connecticut: They made the right choice going with Liz Phair as the top solo performer. It's too bad they then spent her half paragraph calling her a sell out... No matter, I can overlook reasoning, at least they made the right call. One commenter felt John Mayer would have been a better choice. They are wrong. Another commenter said 'what has john mayer given to this world besides headaches and diarrhea?' They are right. Huzzah, mattmatt... Huzzah indeed...

Idaho: I'm roughly as familiar with acts from Idaho as I am with the up-and-coming acts currently tooling around Baghdad. That being the case, I was taken aback at the opportunity to agree with their selection of Josh Ritter. I happened upon Mr. Ritter whist watching an episode of Letterman and was impressed enough to seek out his recordings. An A+ for Dave who's show also introduced me to one of my all time favorite Canadian rock ensembles, Metric. Kudos Mr. Letterman on a job well done and Kudos Phoenix for finding Idaho's hidden treasure... Hold on... I smell a new Huell Howser series in the making...

Texas: Is there a state that screams southern-fried-rock louder than Tejas? As a result, you'd expect the shit-kickingest of the bunch, perhaps, ZZ Top, to top the list of Texas rock royalty... I expected it, I expected to think 'ZZ Top (or some other ridiculous rock cliche)! Seriously! How lame!' Instead, just as I was about to shut down the whole list without giving the last eight entrants their just viewings, The Phoenix, pardon the allusion, rose from the ashes of it's own Blige-induced delirium and selected an unsung rock gem oft praised but less-oft listened to. A personal favorite, The 13th Floor Elevators... If you like psych-rock and are not familiar with Roky Erikson and the boys of the 13th floor, then do yourself a favor and pick up their The Psychedelic Sounds of the 13th Floor Elevators. It'll rock the whammy bar clean off your particular axe of choice... If you are not a fan of 60's psychedelia, then go away, square...

Much like the badness, I shan't list all the goodness for fear it will dilute just how bad the overall badness really is. Look for yourself, for every slight twinge of joy, there's a kick-in-the-balls dose of pain. For every soft, soothing affirmation that you haven't slipped into your own personal Twilight Zone, there is a hip-for-hip's sake blues legend carted out like a 'History of Rock and/or Roll' text book. For example, and I promise, this'll be the last one, either Mississippi or Tennessee NEEDS to pay homage to The King. Personally, I am not a huge Elvis Presley fan... For my money he's the 2nd best recording artist named Elvis... However, I respect the awesome influential power that earned him the moniker King. I know music aficionados everywhere are scared of losing their geek cards if they speak ill of Robert Johnson or Aretha Franklin, and I don't mean to buck the hipster anti-establishment, but neither of them is Elvis Presley. There. I said it. He didn't write his own songs, and was a merely passing guitar player. In spite of that, he was the biggest musician of his era, and debatably the biggest solo musician of all time. If Michael Jackson is worthy of inclusion both as a member of The Jackson 5 AND as a solo artist (a cop-out I intend to remedy), than Elvis should have earned a nod in either his birth state, or the state where he made his name...

With that, the bitching and subsequent moaning is at an end. Next time, if the task doesn't kill me, look for MY list of Best Band, Best Solo Artist, and the new 3rd category Honorable Mention by state in my next gargantuan blog post... Google don't fail me now!!